Just for laugh

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?' She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
'Oh. ! Killing any?' She asked.
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Life Is short!

Break the rules!
Forgive quickly!
Kiss Slowly!
Love truly!
Laugh loudly!
And never regret anything that made you SMILE!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

THE OSTRICH !

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to The ostrich, "What's yours?"  
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will Be $9.40 please" 
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man Says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again.
 "The usual?" Asks the waitress.  
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and A salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and Places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered Me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a Million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say..

 

 

 

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

 

An elderly man in Mumbai calls his son working in Wall Street New York and says,

'I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 35 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!'
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the old man says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!'
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who immediately explodes on the phone, whilst attending one of her many social club functions. 'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.'
She calls Mumbai immediately, and screams at the old man, 'You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then , don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR??' and she hangs up.  
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
'Okay', he says, 'It's all set. They're both coming for our anniversary and for once paying their own airfare!!'

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there with me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here. 
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I'm beginning to think you are BAD LUCK!!!"

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

 

 

 

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

 

 



SEX
> Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore ….. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

 
The Agony of Aging
> On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.  He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.  I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

SCAM
> Just got scammed out of $25.  Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes". Turns out it's about golf.  Absolute waste of money!  Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

 

Easy Jet
> Paddy calls Easy Jet to book a flight.  The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"  Paddy replies "How do I know! It's your plane!"

Custody
> A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: Your Honour, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?

.....your guest...who wins?????