A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Ageing symptoms....
A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'
' Twelve thirty..'
%%%%%%%%
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
%%%%%%%%
Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
%%%%%%%%
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
An Aging Contest.
Three older gentlemen sat down at the park for a conversation.
"That's nothing," said a 70 year old, "70 is a much worse age. You can't even do your business anymore. You take laxatives then sit on the toilet for hours waiting for something to come out!"
"Actually," said the oldest one, "80 is the worst age of all!"
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60 year old.
"Not really. I pee every morning like clockwork at 6:00am."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70 year old.
"Not at all, I do my business every day promptly at 6:30am."
The 60 year old looked at him funny. "Let me get this straight, you
pee at 6am and you crap at 6:30am? So what's the problem?"
"I don't get up until 7:00!"
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Doing something useful.....
 |
| I just learn how to email. |
"Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?" I asked.
Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again," I said, "I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Computer for Old People...
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Are you smarter than this kids?
The lady teacher asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.
The first pupil said: Tylenol?Very good! And what is it used for?
It is used for headache.
The second pupil said: Nytol .
Excellent. And what it is used for?
To help you sleep
Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: Viagra
Er, OK: What is it used for?
I think it can be used for diarrhea.
Who told you this?
Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father 'take a Viagra, may be that little shit will get harder'.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
TEACHER: to 9-yr old Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I.'
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's... Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher!
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
